My How You've Grown.

I haven't posted in such a long while. I haven't written in my journal, written poetry, written anything.

So let us catch up. I have new friends. Kelly, Marissa, Fran, Braden, Jay, and Dan sort of comes
and goes. Thus far i have spent pretty much everyday since may 8 with kelly, and since may 26-ish marissa has been involved too. I love them both.  Fran and Braden are a couple, lovely people. Jay is fabulous, and Dan enjoys being passive agressive with me. Oh Well.

Kelly and I actually went out. It was nice. We had a nice relationship and we [she]  didn't end it on bad terms at all. Actually the day after we hung out...I know thats not normal. It's like, we were best friends that made the mistake of going out. Not that it was a mistake-if I could go back in time, I wouldn't change anything. I'm pretty happy with the way things have turned out. We've never fought. Like, full on "don't call me" fought. Which is good, it's important to have that in a friendship i think. This is how I feel about Kelly- When I'm not around her, yeah, I miss her but, it's almost  like when we aren't around eachother, we don't really consider the other one our friend. When we are hanging out we are having fun and we are friends and then when it's 1 am, sitting in our back yards smoking a cigarette having heavy conversations- it's not even like we are people, it's more like we just are and once it gets to that point- it's not that it doesn't matter what the other one is saying but, we don't take anything to heart even though we are completely 
vunerable. We have an understanding of one another. A cycle. So yeah, once we get to that point we are best friends. She is actually moving to South Carolina in August, it will be sad because my life really has become marissa and kelly. And once kelly leaves it'll just
be marissa, which is fine, but, not the same. She's had a huge impact on my life, I have 
personally changed so much and in so many ways. I've opened up to people- thats important.
I'm glad that she's in my life and I got to spend my summer with her. It's going to change soon though. I'm not looking foward to it. Marissa and I both know it will not be good.

Marissa is freaking fabulous and is always over my house seeing as how she lives around the corner. She's a good friend. I enjoy her company. We've helped eachother out alot lately, it was important. She is important.

So yeah- thats been my summer. But So far- i've totally changed as a person- we all knew it was going to happen. But i've changed for the better.

Birthdayness

Hey, long time no post right? Weeeell yesterday was my birthday and it was quite exciting. I woke up at exactely 7:40 that morning and turned on my phone... when I did so I recieved 13 texr messeages (all facebook alerts) and a voicemail from some body I don't know... but apparently they go to my school...? if you are this person... please leave a comment or something... Any way, I walked down my stairs and sat on the couch trying to pass time until my mother had finished wrapping the last of my presents. I got some clothes etc, the sound of music dvd (loves it!) 
and a photo albumn. I kept reminding my mmother that she didn't have to get me anything. 
Then we went over to Maureen's Kitchen for breakfast. It was tres delish. Then I went home and took a nap. Around 12 30 I went to Panera Bread with Jess, Erik, Felipe, Alex, Jake and Chloe where I spilled sound and coke all over Erik, Jake and Myself, good times. Then my dad came over and picked jake and i up and we went over to his place. Which is where I recived... the fujifilm S700 aka Renee, yeah, i named it... I'm a teenage girl what else can you expect?! I swear, i shed a tear! I love it, it's my baby.

We picked up jess and went over to big daddy's where i got corny mashed potatoes and grilled chicken, Jess had a po' boy. We laughed as she reciting quotes from her Mississippi trip regarding po'boys. It was tres delish. Well, that's all for now. Au revoir

good day...ish

okay so today went fairly amazing. I had a really fun day and then, i get home. My mom went out for a walk, i was in her room looking for my phone charger and since my dad moved out therewere a whole bunch of boxes in her room. Sticking out of one of the boxes was a piece of paper... the "edgy" side was up and it looked like paper from a note book that i had...i do alot of writing and i don't want my mother to see a mojority of it so i took the peice of paper out to look at it... to see if it was mine and on the piece of paper was basically a love letter from Jackie. She is a HUGE dyke that i have suspected for the past two years was my mothers girlfriend. The letter was all about how they are going to spend the rest of their life together... it made me sick to my stomach! So now I am having a break down and a half... but trying to remain calm and cool because I'm going to see Bare tonight and I can't look flustered in front of my company. I'm really just like... so upset. I think i want to confront my mother about this... but I don't know where to start! This is really difficult, but i know keeping this inside is going to kill me more. I don't know who to talk to so I'll just blog I guess. Ugh I'm so tired of not knowing... but I'm so afraid to find out the truth. I am flipping. Okay... If I do talk to her, which I doubt I will, but if i do... I'll report back with details.

Happiness

You have a chance to change the world. But, right now, even reading this forward, you have a chance to change the world. The world is yours, that is what this play will be about, overcoming, everything that life throws at you. Do not seek peace without, when it lies in you. Over my 14 years of life, that is what I have learned, the only person that can fight your battles is you. Life, is suffering, some suffer too much, others, too little. But, reading that quote over again it shows me that life really IS suffering. Some don’t live enough, others too much, not that I believe that you can live too much. Maybe if you avoid others to go out and live…? That may be considered living too much, but John Lennon said “Time you enjoy wasting, wasn’t wasted,” not that going out and ignoring people is wasting time, that’s just a lack of social skills. I do believe that you can live too little though. In fact, I’m pretty sure I personally know a few amazing people that let life pass them by, they allow their past to keep a hold on them; the frustrated part is trying to find out what happened. Prying, under that person’s skin even, to be let in just an inch would seem like a mile with anyone else. I really cannot stand people that do that, that are so, just, dull. I heard someone say once, “Do the best you can wherever you find yourself,” that is all you can do. That is how I live my life. And that’s how I think everyone should live their life. It has worked wonders for me, despite my crappy home life; I am able to maintain mental health, which is near impossible when you have gone through what I have. Whatever you need you already have, and whatever you will need will come to you when you are ready to receive it. Just breathe and let it be.

Let's Chat

So I'm just going to dive right in with the whole blog thing, but first I'm going to give you a little background information. I'm Rachel, I have some pretty awesome people in my life. I love my friends and family (most of the time) and I think that happiness is key. My parents are divorced,
this just happened like, last week too. My dad moved out on wednesday, and i just came 
back fromsleeping over his place. Now we will really get into this blog thing. 

Friday night, my friend Dan came over. Dan is my best friend Erik's boyfriend, or ex-boy friend. It's so complicated. Erik's parents are British and very religious, small minded, ignorant etc. Erik's father is the pastor of a Lutheran Chruch... that explains it ... right? Everyone always thought the Erik's parents (well... his father) would be incredibly excepting and totally fine with it. Apparently, we were wrong. Erik was pressured to come out (he's only bi... relax) by our friend Tyler.
And then he was pressured oto come out by his parents. Erik and his mom had a long disussion and eventually told his mom that he wasn't gay... but bi. His mom couldn't stop crying, erik just went to his room and called Dan. When Erik's dad came home, he saw that Sally (Erik's mom) had been crying, she told him. 
Now erik has to go to family counceling with his parents, he isn't allowed to hang out with anyone until he goes to counceling. They took his cell phone away and they were bashing everyone. My friend Sarah who is such a dyke, she is also known as Queer kid on myspace and You Tube, is also awesome friends with Erik but since this whole thing went down, Erik can't hang out with her either. When Erik asked why he couldn't hang out with Sarah any more, they said that she comes from a "screwed up family if they except her being a lesbian." We are all freaking out. His parents started to blame me! I'm not gay but apparently this is all my fault and I advocate "gayness." Erik even started to blame me, even though I've been friends with him for FOUR years and this JUST happened. Can you tell I'm flipping out? They need to blame something, so they are blaming his friends and taking away the only things that are keeping him sane. I cannot stand ignorance. Yes, I go to LIGALY (long island gay and lesbian youth) most friendays, but i NEVER even thought of dragging Erik there. I asked him if he wanted to go, because he had infact expressed that he had feelings for other guys and he said "yes." Proof that i didn't drag him: I couldn't go one week, and he STILL went and hooked up with some guys and participated in a grind line. So there, there is my proof! God, I sound like an old Jewish man just off the boat. Everyone is so upset and confused, I can only imagine what erik is feeling, having his friends blamed for this mess, it must suck, alot. That's about it for today, I think I'm going to hang out with Dan today again... maybe we'll have another coture photoshoot, those are always fun! My mother is going to make me clean my room
... and get rid of EVERYTHING, and I'm supposed to go to a birthday party with Jess, I wonder if thats going to happen...?

Till we meet again!